Marriage is still an economic proposition.
“So don’t sit there and tell me that marriage isn’t an economic proposition, because it is.”
— Amy March, Little Women
Recently, titles such as Indian Matchmaker, A Suitable Girl and Little Women have been trending on my Netflix feed. They all centre around the theme of marriage and singleness.
Growing up in Asia, I have seen how singles can be undervalued by society; while the younger generation is beginning to respect an individual’s choice around singleness, the older generations might expect compliance to the marital social norm. Asian countries in particular tend to stigmatise being single and diversions from the expected norms. However, we should start rethinking singleness because what’s more dramatic than the trend toward later marriage and parenthood is the projected increase in proportions of men and women who will never marry and remain childless because of very real economic decisions.
Trends and Archetypes: The rise of the “crazy cat” lady?
Although the proportion of singles in Asian countries above 30 is still low, there has been a remarkable increase over the years.
Despite these proportions being lower compared to Western countries, we may expect a growing proportion of singles in the coming years. As this group of singles are still likely to be the minority in society, it is worth considering the well-being of singles and begin preparing a nonjudgmental society, ready to accept different life choices deviating from the norm.
We’ve heard it before, late singles as the “crazy cat lady” archetype often portrayed in media has unsavoury undertones attached. In Asia, there is a stigma attached to single Asian women past ideal age for marriage too. In Japan, these women are known as “Christmas Cakes” or “Parasite Singles” because most unmarried adults live with their parents. In Korea, the term “Gold Miss” was coined because they are an ‘old’ miss yet ‘gold’ women who are usually educated and economically capable. In China, “Sheng-nu” is literally translated as leftover women.
In Singapore, marriage is mostly seen as a personal choice rather than an obligation among young adults. However, with more than 74% of the population being of Chinese descent, understanding singlehood in Singapore should not be totally separated from the Chinese or East Asian cultural context. Among the entire single population in Singapore, Chinese singles dominate, with more than 60% of single Chinese women and more than 78% of their male counterparts aged 25 to 29 years. It was found that most women voluntarily delayed their marriage to be free from household obligations and from the responsibility of taking care of a husband and children.
Eleanor Abernathy, popularly portrayed as the “crazy cat lady” on the Simpsons stereotypes the smart and ambitious woman who earned an MD from Harvard Medical School and a JD from Yale Law School who ends up alone with many cats.
The Marriage Package: Women’s economic independence and the opportunity costs of marriage and parenthood
Perhaps one reason behind the trend toward later and less marriage in East Asia is the lack of change in the nature and meaning of marriage. A relative lack of change in traditional family roles and more economic opportunities are presenting women the freedom to choose to delay the onerous status of a wife and mother.
What I have observed is that family obligations and expectations comprising the “marriage package” have become increasingly unattractive to women as their range of life options available to them broadens. For many, the entire package of marital roles of the wife is what is being delayed, including children with intensive care needs, a heavy household task load, and sometimes, co-residence with parents-in-law, which is potentially included in the bargain. I recall a friend once explicitly calling this a “shitty package”.
In Asia, where I grew up, the stable institution of marriage includes a strong correlation between marriage and childbearing. Women face an expectation of rapid transition to parenthood after marriage. In the past, there also has been highly asymmetric gender relations within marriage, including strong norms of intensive maternal investment in children, and a relatively strong (although weakening) tendency for marriages to be status homogamous or female hypergamous (i.e., marriages in which women marry men of higher status than themselves).
Some of us would still predict that women who are highly educated would marry later, be less likely to ever marry, and have fewer children. Disclaimer: I don’t think this! But several empirical studies have found that women’s education and earnings are positively correlated to when they get married or that they never do at all. Countries that continue to have high gender wage gaps and rank poorly on gender equality pose high opportunity costs of marriage are thought to be particularly high for well-educated women.
How to help shape society to be more tolerant to voluntary and involuntary singles?
More importantly, there is consistent evidence that a large majority of young men and women in Asian countries value marriage and want to marry. However, the aforementioned sizable proportion might never marry unless current marital behavior changes significantly. Is the freedom to choose really freedom at all if it comes at a high opportunity cost?
In Asian countries where Western culture has permeated, being single may be easier as singles do not have to overcome strong social pressures. By contrast, societies where the marriage package ideology is dominant, more adjustments in the household are required. At the same time, single people are placed at risk of having low psychological well-being as they do not conform to social norms. Very simple steps can be done at the community and organisational level to address the well-being of both voluntary and involuntary singles. Firstly, let’s be more mindful of how we address singles, not to assume they are isolated and lonely or have difficult personalities. At work, single workers should also not be expected to pick the work for their married bosses and colleagues. I have no doubt that simple actions like these go a long way in shaping a more tolerant society.
The gender revolution that has brought about women’s attainment in education and the workforce requires a revolution in the social understanding of the role of a husband and wife in the household as well. While much of the research on trends in family attitudes emphasises women’s increasing distaste for the marriage package, it is encouraging to note that recent studies suggest men too are increasingly questioning the benefits of the typical East Asian breadwinner–homemaker/mother marriage. I am hopeful that over time, more room for voluntary singles in society will be made. I believe that during this lifetime, singles will be able to spend festive holidays without dreading the annual interrogation by elders (read: aunty and uncles) about when they will marry; having non-judgemental conversations toward singles. I hope singles will have the freedom to truly live out marriage as a personal choice rather than an obligation or societal norm.
